I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
