he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
