sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
