We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
