This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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