He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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