Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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