I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
