if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
