I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
