Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
