Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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