i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
