i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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