just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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