I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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