We're facebook friends in real life
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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