he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
