Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
