there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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