Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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