you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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