New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Did you pee in the oven last night??
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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