I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
