Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
