You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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