yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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