Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
