Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There's always time for handjobs
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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