Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
