I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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