I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
