Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
When are your genitals available?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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