Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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