When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
