i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
