i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
