I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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