i jhust puked up my retainher.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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