suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
