i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
