Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
