Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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