I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
