My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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