Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
