On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
