He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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