I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
