he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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