I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
