I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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