Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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