I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
