we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
